


You Know You're Right

by AnyColourYouLike



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 12:19:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4787009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnyColourYouLike/pseuds/AnyColourYouLike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Benny are fighting their way to find Cas whose lost track are almost impossible to find. The journey home was never meant to be easy, and without Cas next to him, Dean starts to lose the meaning of his mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Know You're Right

**Author's Note:**

> A special thanks to [twicksterjackles](http://twicksterjackles.tumblr.com).

In Purgatory, it was the nights that were the hardest.

There was no telling where Castiel disappeared to, whether or not he was okay, what he was doing, where he was going, or even if he was still alive. But out of all these horrible scenarios, what hurt Dean the most was the slight doubt that maybe Cas left _him_.

Every time Benny and he went out there in the wild; killed another monster, slaughtered another vampire, Dean could feel something in him becoming lighter. He didn't have to occupy his mind since there was reason for it - his body muscles, and bones were always in use giving him no time to question anything. It was easier. But when night fell and Benny and he took turns in guarding one another, whether it was Dean's turn to guard or finally fall asleep, he found himself thinking of Cas no matter how much he tried not to.

He didn't know which was worst: the same painful thoughts, wonders, and fears of his best friend's fate; the same questions that tormented him for hours and hours of awakening, all by himself while having to keep his mind sharp and his instincts even sharper; or the dreams. Dreams where Cas was caught, or worse, brutally killed by whatever was out there, he hated those dreams the most, the ones where he finds a corpse instead of a friend, dreams that weren't even dreams as much as they were nightmares.

At first, Benny kept insisting that it was a waste of time, that they will eventually get killed before they'll find the damn angel, that it is very likely he is dead by now. Benny never denied Dean his help, though. At first, it was solely for their pre-established deal; Benny helps Dean find the angel, and Dean gets him the hell out of there, but the more they fought together, the more it became about fighting with a friend. When Benny finally realised Dean was never going to change his mind on saving his angel, he learned to stop mentioning it.

It didn't go over Dean's head, he noticed when the vampire stopped telling him it was best to let go. It only made him question himself again and again, asking himself maybe it was just a sign that he was fighting an unwinnable battle and a searching for long lost cause. It was no longer about believing Cas is still alive, that he can still save him, Dean realised that a long ago, it was because he couldn't live with any other choice. So he kept insisting on not leaving without Castiel, except now it was no longer a conversation between him and Benny, it was an inner debate with himself that he knew he could never win.

Dean remembers one night specifically. This time, he was on guard. He was sharpening his machete; more in the cause of keeping his mind busy rather than taking care of his weapon. The sound of the stone scraping the metal gave the air a monotonic atmosphere Dean could not resist. There were no other sounds to fill the constant silence with besides Benny's heavy breathing and the stone in Dean's hand, going up and down the improvised weapon. It was almost peaceful until Leviathan started showing up out of nowhere.

"Benny!" he could recall himself shouting, "Get up! We got company!" but from that point and on he couldn't remember anything else clearly. It was all a daze of Benny swinging his sword, and him stabbing anything he possibly could lay his hands on. He could remember some far away shouts calling him to stop and run for his life. Dean, at the time, didn't want to leave, he wanted to stay there and kill each and every one of those creatures until his last breath. He wanted to keep going, keep slicing and stabbing and killing. He remembers being pulled away by the collar of his shirt. Or was it his arm that was being pulled? His hand? Did it even matter?

It took Dean more than thirty minutes to regain himself. His clothes were stained with blood and there was a sharp pain in the left side of his torso. Benny didn't look so good himself, he had cuts on his face, rips in his clothes and bruises on his hands, and like Dean, he was bloody.

"You got stabbed," Dean heard Benny saying.

"Did I?" he murmured and lifted his shirt, looking at the aching area. "Shit.." he let the word escape from his lips. Under the fabric was a red, dirty, painful-looking wound where he could feel the burn. It didn't feel like his injury, it looked more painful than it felt.

Benny didn't say a word and leaned down to clean Dean's wound, and Dean let him. He felt tired and didn't care anymore. He wanted to go back, he wanted to find another blood sucker, he wanted to find six blood suckers and slay them. He wanted to feel this clean violence, _this purity_ , once again. He didn't want to get better and get his boo-boo cleaned, he wanted to go out there. He wanted to find Cas.

"You miss him," Benny commented as he closed the cut with some fabric they found a long ago and decided it could come in handy.

Dean's eyes slowly watched as Benny started to patch him up. He wasn't willing, not in a thousand years, to admit it. What was the point? What good will it do him to come clean and say how much Cas truly means to him? What good will it do him to agree with the yelling inside his mind, shouting at him how much he cares for the guy? It wouldn't. It would just make everything worse and hurt more than it should. So Dean didn't answer, Dean didn't make a sound. He was here to kill: kill to forget, kill to hold on, kill to survive, and kill to find Cas.

When silence stretched on between them, Benny knew Dean was not going to talk about the angel today. Maybe not tomorrow, nor for a week or two. Maybe he wasn't going to speak of him even until they find him. The horrible scenario where they come across a creature with a corpse wearing a trench coat between its teeth appeared in his mind. What would happen then? What would Dean do? Will he still hold to their deal and help him go back?

Benny didn't know, he didn't want to know and didn't ask. Some things better left unknown. Besides, Benny knew by now, he would follow Dean to the end of the universe, even if it meant spending an eternity in this neverending forest.

Dean was all Benny had.


End file.
